i probably shouldn't write this on xanga but i have to write it somewhere. and no one really reads this anyway. so who cares.

it's funny how everything that i thought was true turned out to be a lie. and the person i trusted most hid things from me, and turned out to be someone completely different. and if you know me well, you know what i went through the past year or so, and how hard it was for me...and now this. i just do not understand. i don't understand how someone could be capable of such a thing.

after being with someone for so long, it's hard to go back to being single. it just feels weird, it feels lonely, it feels just wrong. because being with him felt right.

at the same time though, i know i can't sit here and focus on the negative. but i just feel like i had so much faith in this, i had faith in us and faith in god, and now i don't know what to believe in.

there is so much i could write right now but really i don't want to. besides, these lyrics pretty much say what i'm feeling. i know its the cliche thing to post lyrics on xanga but oh well.

Stay
by Sugarland

I been sittin' here starin'
At the clock on the wall
And I been layin' here prayin'
Prayin' she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be cryin'

And I'll be beggin' you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waitin'
With my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dyin'

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay (yeah)

You keep tellin' me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like bein' used

And I'm tired 'a waitin'

It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay (yeah)

I can't take it any longer
But my will is gettin' stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you'll find
You wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of bein' lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

hi xanga, i haven't forgotten about you.
so, the knox county alternative center.
there are some precious kids there.
they don't seem precious at all at first...
you kind of have to break through and see past their shell.
they all put up guards...but don't we all to some extent?
anyway...let me tell you about some of the girls i know.
there is sheena and kristy.
these two both have 2 year old daughters.
i think they are both seniors in high school right now.
sheena's baby is adorable...she brought her in the other day.
sheena also works at a fiberglass factory with her mom after school.
then there is keisha.
keisha is several months pregnant, i just found that out.
she did a walk-a-thon for care net pregnancy center the other month...
to raise money for girls just like her.
i was proud of her.
she is a sweetie.
and then ashley.
i love this girl, really.
she's a senior in high school, loves to talk, flirt, and talk some more.
she's friendly. i really enjoy spending time with her.
today she told me that most days she works after school
then has to go home and babysit her baby cousin until her aunt gets home from work at 2am.
thats when she finally gets to sleep.
no wonder she does all her homework in school.
also. she doesn't have a car. she has to walk literally everywhere.
miles and miles a day.
and then of course there is my boy timmy.
he's so sweet. he always talks to me during rewards time.
well i'm getting carried away but i'm just trying to say that i really do love these kids.
even more than the ones i've listed here.
and i'm amazed by them every day.
i can't even comprehend all that they have had to overcome.
they are so grown-up for being so young.
it's like they had to grow up fast, to get by, ya know?
but at the same time, they are just kids.
even the girls who have kids. they are just kids.
i see that youthful spirit in them.
and yeah, its sad to see them in tough situations like that.
but its their youthfulness that makes me trust that they will still have a chance.
they are young, they have so many paths they could take.
and i believe they are searching.
it's kind of a good place to be, in a way.
all i know is God loves these precious kids, and i'm learning why.

that's just what's new with me lately.
other than that, life is life, busy, busy.
but we can talk about that later...
love and peace <3